I don't know why it's so difficult all of a sudden. Well, that's a lie. I suppose I do know why, but my theory confuses me. Because I lasted the eight or nine months she spent with the one before this and it didn't hurt as much.
It hurt in the beginning, because it was just after she'd told me she knew and a small fraction of my head thought she might maybe reciprocate. But that idea just of bled out on the pavement.
Maybe that's what happened again. Maybe I thought she might want to. But that'd be a stupid thing for me to think ever again (though I do on nights like these.)
It's no longer nights like these but days like these as well. Days where I don't talk for a long while because I imagine her wanting me and days when I think too hard about it and I can feel the pressure at the back of my retinas. The pressure and the pain and the hurt of over a year of devotion that has gone unrecognised and unappreciated.
For every moment, every second I care for her. I care for her as a friend and I care for her out of concern and I care for her in the way that I want to hug her and hold her hand and kiss her forehead and bring her baked goods on unexpected days because I think that she is awesome and deserves baked goods. I want to be open about how I feel about her and that involves all of those things and there isn't a single minute that I don't feel it.
I mistake it for something bitter sometimes -and that's becoming steadily more often, now- but that's because I hate knowing she's made me feel anything but numbness and resignation.
I hate caring for someone in this way. I hate attachments, I hate even slivers of ropes keeping me tied to any one thing. And that one thing is her and it has been for a long time.
It's stupid, being tied to something that has cut you free, or perhaps she was never with me at all.
It's stupid and it hurts.
And there's nothing I can do about it because she is the only person, in the entire world that I care for like this for. She's the only person in the world I want.
She's the only person in the world I couldn't live without, because if she were gone I'd feel hollow.
Because the earth should not exist without her on it.

I don't know what any of this means.
All I know is that it is both the best and the worst fucking feeling.

--Andria.