I have to do it again, close myself off. Otherwise I won't be able to survive this - I won't be able to survive it. I miss how I used to be, how I never told, how I never depended on anyone and it wasn't necessary for anyone to "stick around" in my life because they were oblivious. But I fucked that up, I fuck everything good up. I was going so well, it was so much better than it is now. I was safe back then, I didn't need anything back then. I had myself and I dealt with me. Now I have to deal with all of them.
I want them to go away, I want to go away.
I want that 8 weeks abroad to come quicker. I need to leave here, I need to leave them behind. I need to get a good grip of my security again. I can't let people in like this. I need to bury it further because it's dug its way out over the past few months. I need to squash it. I need to suffocate it again.
Because, although it may feel terrible -it's only the adjustment. And I know it's so much better than this. I know that I can't trust anyone, and I know that I can't keep anyone.
I can't believe I shared Katie.
I don't want to face her after sharing Katie. Katie was mine and I just gave her up. I have nothing that is mine anymore.
I want to create something that is mine.
I want everyone to stop fucking talking to me.
I don't want them to know.
Take me back to when no one knew. Please.

There is no difference between night and day anymore. It's all life. It's all existence.

--Andria.