One of the truest things I've ever heard (a certain lyric from a certain song -A Letter- by a certain band -La Dispute).

I've never spent a lot on finding a remedy.
I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason.

Once I heard that, I knew it. Really knew what this meant. Some people I know -some sad, sad people- spend their days finding their triggers, whether that trigger be for happiness or sadness. They collect what they have and attempt to avoid the things that sadden them. There was once a time that I myself attempted that, but I stopped. Because I realised that I don't want to mould my life and my actions around these things that I feel. If I get worse, then I get worse and I deal with that. I don't want to know if there's a way to stop it. I don't want drugs to make me numb. As even this, this excruciating silence in my head and this ringing that seems to surface from beneath my very bones, and the hurt that echos in my mind and collapses through my form -that's something, and that's better than being numb.

The lyrics then go onto;

I guess that's why I always turned to writing it down.

And even though I might complain, and get upset and scream and yell about how writing it out doesn't work -I can't deny the fact that, the weight seems to lift off of my chest -even if it's only slightly, even if it's only a small amount. I can breathe just a littly easier. I can survive one more day.

Things have become even more of an endurance. Like a pattern. It hurts, but I'm too tired to hurt myself in response.

--Andria.

I think the thing is that I shut off from everything.
From friends and family and my own ambitions.
From having fun.
I just shut off from everything.