I just need this year to end, and for me to escape to France. I can’t deal with this or anything, I hate the unknown or the wonder. I hate being this besotted and completely submerged in these emotions, it hurts. The emotions I can deal with, it’s the hope that gets me. The hope that maybe, one day she’ll let me adore her the way that I want to.
Perhaps it sounds to you like she’s the source of a lot of my turmoil, and that’s not true at all. My attachment, my turmoil and my true need for her comes from my other problems -and I hate that it does.
But I do want you to know, I suppose (and I don’t know if you care or not) that, even if I didn’t have my issues and even if I didn’t feel like I do -even if I was normal, I’d still care about her this much. Maybe it wouldn’t upset me as much, maybe I’d be able to just let her be happy without hurting but I do promise, she’s that incredible and amazing and the true embodiment of beauty that I’d want her as much as I do right now.
 I don’t know what this was mean to be saying, or why I wrote this at all.
I just think I need a break from everything. I’m going somewhere where no one knows me or about me, I’ll be completely alone. And that’s all I want. Just for a while, just for eternity.

--Andria

uncertainty.

It's very odd to feel this connected to someone without actually knowing them. I suppose connected isn't the right word. Infatuated? Besotted? They're more to do with the point.
I've hardly spoken to her, but I watch her all the time and I want to see her and I want to talk to her. I'm a fairly confident person in the personality that I've created for myself. But when I'm around her I become an idiot. I talk to loud, I do stupid things, I don't look around me. It's like she takes my walls and she rips them apart.
I've never been nervous around anyone before, but around her I am. And I don't even know anything about her.
I'm slightly terrified, mostly enthralled. Maybe one day I can have a conversation with her.
That'd be nice.

--Andria.

I've been vegan for the last three weeks and I thought it'd be more triggering than this. I've lost about five kilograms, and it feels nice.

Everything just feels flat at the moment. I'm sadder than usual. I'm at a low point of existence -far from the worst that I've been, but much worse than normal.
I just don't want to do it anymore.

--Andria.

I don't know why it's so difficult all of a sudden. Well, that's a lie. I suppose I do know why, but my theory confuses me. Because I lasted the eight or nine months she spent with the one before this and it didn't hurt as much.
It hurt in the beginning, because it was just after she'd told me she knew and a small fraction of my head thought she might maybe reciprocate. But that idea just of bled out on the pavement.
Maybe that's what happened again. Maybe I thought she might want to. But that'd be a stupid thing for me to think ever again (though I do on nights like these.)
It's no longer nights like these but days like these as well. Days where I don't talk for a long while because I imagine her wanting me and days when I think too hard about it and I can feel the pressure at the back of my retinas. The pressure and the pain and the hurt of over a year of devotion that has gone unrecognised and unappreciated.
For every moment, every second I care for her. I care for her as a friend and I care for her out of concern and I care for her in the way that I want to hug her and hold her hand and kiss her forehead and bring her baked goods on unexpected days because I think that she is awesome and deserves baked goods. I want to be open about how I feel about her and that involves all of those things and there isn't a single minute that I don't feel it.
I mistake it for something bitter sometimes -and that's becoming steadily more often, now- but that's because I hate knowing she's made me feel anything but numbness and resignation.
I hate caring for someone in this way. I hate attachments, I hate even slivers of ropes keeping me tied to any one thing. And that one thing is her and it has been for a long time.
It's stupid, being tied to something that has cut you free, or perhaps she was never with me at all.
It's stupid and it hurts.
And there's nothing I can do about it because she is the only person, in the entire world that I care for like this for. She's the only person in the world I want.
She's the only person in the world I couldn't live without, because if she were gone I'd feel hollow.
Because the earth should not exist without her on it.

I don't know what any of this means.
All I know is that it is both the best and the worst fucking feeling.

--Andria.