It was better today because I was distracted.
But the minute I returned home, to my solitude -it all became so much worse. It's like a ringing in my ears in that it's constant and it's loud but no one else can hear it. Like I'm being suffocated.
There's a pillow being shoved further into my nose and into my mouth, and I can't scream and I can't breathe and I can't do anything.
I just endure it. I never die.

I told her far too much and I wasn't meant to do that.
She was concerned. So I told her what she wanted to know and that was that. I've caused so much unnecessary worry and I hate it. People shouldn't care like this -they don't care like this. Not really. They feel morally obliged to but I can see right through them.
I know what I need to say to get them to leave me alone.

People think they're so intelligent and able to know what I'm feeling but they're not. None of them are. They're easy to manipulate, they're easy to scare. All I need to do is glare at them, tell them to back off and they're gone and that's that. They don't ask anymore. Not like they used to.

Because they've realised it's not going to go away because they want it to. They can't tell me sweet things and expect that to solve my problems. People get frustrate, people get tired and people can't be bothered to stick around when things don't go their way.
And that's fine.
That's the way people are but they shouldn't pretend that I matter to them when they'd leave in a second when they realise they couldn't help.
Because people are pitiful. And people hate knowing that they can't save you.

I don't know how many nights like this I have left.
It's unbearable and I want to stop it.
I want to stop it soon.

I don't want to deal with life.
I don't want to deal with my mind.
I want to forget.

--Andria