an update.

I still don't know where anything is headed. I don't know what I'm doing, with anything or anyone -with life. I don't know what I'm meant to do or say or think. I don't know how to act anymore. I've reached a point of purgatory and I'm just floating. I don't know if I'm meant to care. My energy has drained entirely and I'm finished. I've nothing left. Nothing at all. I don't even have enough in me to hide it. It's out, in the open for everyone to see and I don't care.

And like I said, I'm floating. In the middle. Like I'm just below the surface of the ice cold recess. I can't breathe and I can't think and I'm not fighting it anymore. I don't want to break out into the air and I don't want to sink further. But, I know that if I do I won't try and stop it. I'm so tired.
I can't try and stop it.

It's been worse this past week than it has for the past 106 days before. I don't know why. I thought that, maybe it was the realisation that I had nothing just for me any longer. For people knew and I always told myself that people were not meant to know, ever. But they do, so what do I have? I have a shit recovery and a few friends who try their hardest for a cause that has been lost. I have a need to be wanted and appreciated and cared for, but something that smothers that into a fear of being wanted and appreciated and cared for. I have an overwhelming anchor pulling me further down into suffocation and an urge to end it all. And that urge has not ceased for a week now.

I am scared to be alone for the first time. I'm scared of what I'll do, I'm scared of what I'll think.

I remember a time when I never had these thoughts. I had the others, perhaps I've always had the others but I didn't have these.
Then, after that dream with the little horizontal cuts on both my wrists... they commenced.

Things were ok for a while. But they're not now and anyone who might even be remotely prepared to listen to my endless and repetitive complaints and pains either has their own problems or isn't really in it.
And that's all I want, to trust someone completely. But I don't.

I don't even trust myself anymore.

She says I can take care of myself. But all I want to tell her right now, is that I don't think I can.

--Andria